Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
(Gaming support cat.)
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.