Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!