I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
A man of commitment.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.