Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
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Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I enjoy a good short stor
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
me doing my best
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming