Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You Might Also Like
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.