[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I have a black belt in leather
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.