O Wise One….
You Might Also Like
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.