*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.