[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Breakfast for Stoners:
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]