Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
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the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
i think both sides are to blame here
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL