wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
The asteroid..
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS