You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.