I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.