Holy shit he’s back
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.