WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
You Might Also Like
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My dad teaching me to drive
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”