[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of