The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
😂🤣😂🤣
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.