I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
drew a comic about my origin story