[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.