When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.