My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Worlds greatest photobomb
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
😂 amazing answer
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.