Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.