I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
SCARY COSTUME
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever