The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*lint rolls you awake*
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
That earthquake could have been an email.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Sing it!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Remember folks 😂
#Caturday
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?