You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.