carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.