Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs