I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.