ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)