a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”