Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.