ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn