“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…