we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan