[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
🤣
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills