help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.