Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I already tried new things thanks.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—