My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.