Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
You Might Also Like
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
smh
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw