Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
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Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
they really do be looking like this
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
gentlemen, hear me out
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I wish I were this cool 😂
sounds kinky. i’m in.