Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
the world’s most popular steaming services
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.