[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.