you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
(True)
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
philosophical skeletons be like
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume