Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
When someone says you are so lazy
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.