My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”