*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.