Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
2022 be like
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.