I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing