“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Customize Your Wedding.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
This is no longer winter this is harassment
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.