I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
kitchen magnet
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.